You Will Die Vol. 1: The Pain and Suffering

Posted: May 26, 2012 in Sex Education, Sexually Transmitted Infections
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Last night was a typical Friday evening that consisted of curling up on the couch with a mug of peppermint tea, staring at the wall, and thinking about sexually transmitted infections.  With The Wallflowers playing in the background, I became nostalgic for the 90s and began reflecting about my early sex education in junior high.

If you had a similar experience as my own, sex education was a one-day lecture within the general health class.  I did not learn about masturbation, sexual orientation, sexual decision making, or the importance of assertive communication within intimate relationships.  Instead, I learned how sex was going to kill me.

This death was not going to be quick from cardiac arrest following the bliss of an orgasm.  No, this death would take its time, slowly filling my body with pus-filled sores until I resembled a biblical leper.  And as I lie writhing in pain, shunned by my family and friends, with blood oozing from every orifice, I would take my last breath cursing the day I decided to fornicate.

If this vivid message wasn’t enough, the health teacher dimmed the lights and turned on the slide projector for the visual aids segment.  With the shuffle of the carousel slide, the first photo was projected and was met with gasps from my peers.  Featured was a close-up of a penis (circa 1972) with genital warts.  There wasn’t one pinhead-sized wart at the base of the penis.  Instead the warts sprouted like cauliflower, enveloping the entirety of the man’s penis head.

The second shuffling of the carousel projected a herpes outbreak.  It was a close-up of a woman’s vulva (circa 1966) that looked as though it was hit with buckshot.  The tiny red sores peppered the vulva from pubes to anus and glistened from the flash of the camera.  I began struggling keeping down the red slushie and Fudge Rounds I consumed 30 minutes prior to this visual onslaught of horror.

The carousel rotated once more.  Secondary stage syphilitic rash.

Gonorrheal drip.

Kaposi’s sarcoma lesions.

Infant herpetic conjunctivitis.

I sat wide-eyed and disgusted.  My genitals retreated to an internal cavity.  I could no longer hear what the teacher was saying.  My eyes were the only remaining sense that continued to absorb the slideshow of grotesque infections.

Finally, there was a blank slide.  The lights were flipped back on and I gazed around the room to regain my bearings.  I was no longer looking at the pretty girls in class and trying to conjure up the nerve to ask them out.  I looked at them like they were walking death vaginas.

I felt my skin crawling with pubic lice.  I convinced myself my acne was syphilis.  I left the room no longer feeling like a sexual being.  I was repulsed and ashamed.  Sex was going to kill me.  It didn’t matter who I was, what behaviors I would be engaging in, or what part of the world I resided, sexually transmitted infections were going to hunt me down and slaughter me.

The scare tactic was unbearable.  I did my best to suppress the mental remains of the images for the rest of the day.  The cognitive dissonance escalated.  Sex was supposed to be something fun, right?  But sex is going to kill me?

Later that evening, after watching a couple of syndicated episodes of Married…with Children, the former belief overtook the new information I consumed that day in health class.  Christina Applegate helped rejuvenate my interest in sex.  The cognitive dissonance disappeared.

However, for the remainder of the year in health class, the carousel of death sat in the corner of the room poised to stigmatize the sinful.

To be continued…

There’s a penis under there.

A Gushing Goal

Posted: May 25, 2012 in Female ejaculation, G-spot
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Question: My friends have been talking about their ability to ejaculate during orgasm.  I never knew this was even possible for women.  My boyfriend and I have tried doing what they suggested, but I haven’t been able to do it myself.  What can I do differently?

Are you feeling left out because, unlike your friends, your partner doesn’t need to bring a poncho to the sexual encounter?  Female ejaculation, also known as squirting and gushing, continues to be a source of mystery and controversy for scientists and a source of pleasure, discouragement, or embarrassment for women.

First, I’ll get sciency and tell you what we do know about this phenomenon.  While certainly the evidence is not conclusive, there is leaning consensus that the fluid expelled during orgasm:

1) Is not urine.

2) Is expelled from the urethra (not the vagina).

3) May originate from the Skene’s glands.

4) Can be a trivial amount to several ounces in volume.

5) Is usually the result of G-spot stimulation, which of course is named after a dude (you’re welcome, ladies).

So let’s start with finding the G-spot, which I’m assuming is what your friends have been trying to coach you in finding.  It’s probably best to have your boyfriend sit this exploration out since it is easier to explore your own body as opposed to guiding someone else’s uncoordinated fingers.

Women report their G-spot is located on the anterior wall (the side closer to the stomach) of the vagina, only an inch or two from the opening.  During heightened arousal, women report this spot ranges from dime-sized to quarter-sized and will feel more textured, dense, or ridge-like than the surrounding tissue.  I use “women report” because what we know about the G-spot and female ejaculation comes from anecdotal evidence and not from large, controlled studies.  Women are not lining up in scores to be vaginally explored by research assistants in a basement laboratory.

Continued stimulation to this area can lead to orgasm and for a fluid to be ejaculated from the urethra.  It can be challenging not to “hold it in” as it will feel like you are peeing all over your 500-thread count sheets.  So it’s best to put some towels down to help ease concern about perceived bed wetting.  When ejaculating, the fluid may come out all at once or it may rhythmically be expelled in sync with the orgasmic muscle contractions.  Also, the fluid may dribble out like an old man’s urine stream or it may squirt out like Coke coming from a shaken can.

But the important thing to remember is that every woman is different.  Results may vary.  The location, size, and texture of the G-spot may be different than the aforementioned description.  Some women may not feel anything special when this area is stimulated and will not ejaculate.  If this is the case for you, despite what spam emails tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Sexual diversity is what makes studying sexuality so challenging, but it’s what makes being a sexual person so amazing.  Some women are multi-orgasmic and others are not.  For many women, nipple licking is highly arousing, but for other women it is no different than eyeball licking.  Some women are turned on by someone licking their eyeballs.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, there is no norm.  Continue to explore your G-spot, but if it doesn’t do anything for you, it’s not a big deal.  There are likely things that you sexually feel and do that your friends do not and cannot experience.  Be proud of those experiences.  And if you discover G-spot stimulation is pleasurable and you ejaculate from it, by all means, squirt with pride.

Don’t stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

Love Your Lips

Posted: May 19, 2012 in Labia, Vulva
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Question: I’ve always been embarrassed by the size of my vagina.  It’s too large and I think it looks gross.  Do you think surgery is a good idea to make it smaller?  I’m not too thrilled to have surgery down there, but I don’t see any other options online.

Before addressing your very valuable and honest question, the sex nerd in me needs to correct one of the most common errors in human sexuality.  I’m assuming when you use the word, “vagina” you actually mean, “vulva” or more specifically, “labia” or even more specifically, “labia minora.”  Unless you have sex researcher friends (or very pervy friends) that own a vaginal volumetric device, you are not likely to know the size of your vagina.

The vagina is an internal organ that extends from the cervix to the vaginal opening.  The vulva is the external organ, which includes your clitoris, clitoral hood, labia majora (outer lips) and labia minora (inner lips) that you can see when spread eagle in front of a mirror.  It is likely the size, shape, and color of your labia minora that is bringing you this common distress.

Now that I cleared that up and probably lost half of my readers for being too “lecturey,” let me address your question.  It’s understandable that you are not satisfied with the size of your labia.  After all, with slang terms like “meat curtains,” “bacon strips,” “roast beef sandwich,” “fuck flaps,” and “wizard sleeve,” it’s hard to embrace and accept the size and shape of an unflatteringly-termed body part.  But that should be the goal: embrace and accept.

Like penises, there is great diversity in the appearance of vulvae (yes, that is the plural for vulva) and here is a link proving that: Vulva Diversity

There is no research as to what an “average” vulva looks like.  There is no research as to the size preferences of those who are sexually attracted to vulvae.  In short, there is no research suggesting smaller is better.

However, culturally we are beginning to infantilize sexuality to the point where pubic hair, asymmetry, and anything that is enlarged, saggy, or a little wiggly is pathologized.  There are plastic surgeons who perform labiaplasties on women who are either dissatisfied with the appearance of their genitals or they are experiencing pain.  With the exception of pain treatment, would you really be willing to have a scalpel remove erogenous tissue?  The same tissue that is capable of receiving pleasure during sex?  This is no different than skin from the shaft of a man’s penis getting cut off.  Try finding a dude willing to do that.

I have always argued that this surgery is unnecessary for cosmetic reasons.  Instead of using a knife to produce change, restructure your thoughts about your body.  Whether it is your labia, breasts, aureoles, or nipples, respect your uniqueness.  You are normal, which in this case, there is no normal.

When you are feeling bad about your labia’s appearance, take the opportunity to explore it.  Touch it in different places.  Learn what feels good and how stimulating that body part can be so pleasurable.  Understanding its capabilities to make your toes curl and bring a smile upon your face will likely decrease the desire to slice it off.

Despite living in a culture that artificially and arbitrarily defines beauty, you can learn to accept and embrace your sexual appearance.  And the next time someone uses the term, “bacon strips,” just remember that everyone loves bacon.  And you should too.

If everyone got a labiaplasty, Georgia O’Keeffe would have just painted lines.

A Love that Binds

Posted: May 15, 2012 in Bondage
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Question: I’m interested in bondage, both tying and being tied, during sex.  However, I’ve never done it with a girlfriend (I’ve only watched it in porn)… I just started dating someone and don’t know how to approach the topic with her without sounding like a perv.  Any suggestions?

Are you concerned that if you show up on your third date with rope and spend the evening talking about hog tying it could be a turnoff to your new girlfriend?  You are not alone in your fear about disclosing sexual fantasies with a new partner.

You should commend yourself for taking this step in examining ways to initiate this discussion.  I have seen many men who are too afraid to disclose their sexual interests to their partner, but end up getting caught masturbating in front of a webcam wearing a ball gag, which turns into the catalyst for couples therapy.

First, you need to explore how strong of a desire bondage is for you.  Is this something that needs to be incorporated into every sexual encounter?  Or is this something that is sacred and is reserved for birthdays and religious holidays?

Second, explore what kind of bondage turns you on.  Do you like light bondage that includes fuzzy handcuffs and satin blindfolds?  Or do you like leather, nail-studded face masks and heavy ropes tied so intricately it would intimate an Eagle Scout?

If bondage isn’t something that is absolutely necessary to become aroused and you don’t intend to bind your girlfriend to mimic a scene from one of the Saw movies, you are probably safe withholding this information at this time.  Everyone has specific sexual interests, fantasies, and kinks.  I’m sure your girlfriend has a few surprises of her own.  Who knows, she may own scrotal clamps.  These are things that can be discussed as the relationship progresses and as trust and intimacy builds.

However, if bondage is a necessity or if you have a strong desire to tie her hair back with an anal hook, you will likely want to bring this up sooner rather than later.  You need to ask yourself if this desire is so strong that if it is not acted on within an intimate relationship, you’ll struggle with obtaining satisfaction.  Be honest with yourself and with her.  Take baby steps.  Discuss more general fantasies first and then move toward your interest in bondage.

Recognize that not everyone is going to share this interest.  If she does, that’s great.  If not, you’ll have to decide if this is a deal breaker.  Is there middle ground?  Is she comfortable with lighter bondage and is comfortable with you masturbating to harder bondage pornography?  Is this acceptable for you?

It is challenging and potentially embarrassing sharing sexual fantasies.  However, it is the only way to be authentic in a relationship and to get sexual needs met.  Otherwise, you’ll likely get caught with a ball gag in your mouth.

Unless you met on FetLife.com, do not show up on your first date wearing this.

The Audacity of Tolerance

Posted: May 10, 2012 in Gay Marriage, Marriage Equality, Same-Sex Marriage
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On Tuesday, voters in North Carolina passed a ballot initiative to add a state constitutional amendment that ensures the definition of marriage is legally written as:

“The way God intended, er, I mean in His image, wait, nope, how do we write and justify this in secular language?  How about between one feller and  one lady?”

A day later, President Obama gave his support for same-sex marriage.  It didn’t surprise me that he holds these views, as I have always assumed he supported marriage equality, but I also assumed he would wait to publicly support the issue until after the election.  Bravo, Mr. President for being congruent with your values and making Rick Santorum cry.

But those anti-gay tears (which conservatives call, ‘bald eagle juice’) can be a rallying cry to ramp up support for the less-than-exciting, Mitt Romney to defeat Obama in November.

However, what rationale would the opposition be arguing?  There is none.  There is no rational argument against marriage equality that doesn’t stem from a person’s religious beliefs.  Oh, you thought of a logical, secular argument against marriage equality?  No, you didn’t.  Whatever you are thinking, whether it’s believing same-sex marriage will destroy families, harm children, or lead to the legalization of marrying a deformed donkey, the argument is not rational.

So here is my challenge to those opposed to marriage equality: recognize the difference between personal beliefs and legal rights.  You can hold onto your archaic beliefs and attempt to pray the gay out of this country.  You can believe that homosexuality is a sin.  You can write articles, organize protests, and speak out against anything you disagree with.  But recognize that the freedom that allows you to engage in these behaviors applies to everyone in the country.

That’s what this issue is about: freedom.  Marriage equality doesn’t mean you have to attend services at a church that will marry same-sex partners.  It doesn’t mean you have to start volunteering for PFLAG or GLAAD.  And it doesn’t mean that you have to marry your childhood friend that you had that “experiment” with when you were both eight years old.  Marriage equality means adults have the right to enter into a legal contract with other adults, and you have to simply tolerate that right.

Let’s face it, you already tolerate a lot of behaviors that are counter to your personal beliefs.  You tolerate people of other faiths or no faith at all; you tolerate people not giving up anything for Lent; you tolerate the Amish doing whatever the Amish do.

I have to tolerate Pat Robertson’s television show, Westboro Baptist Church protesters, Disney movies, hipsters, and children in restaurants (especially restaurants with chopsticks).  I don’t have to like it and I am free to criticize it, but I do not have a right to stop it.

It is that simple.  You don’t have to respect the behavior, but living in this country and valuing freedom, you do have to respect the right.  And the time is long overdue that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals have the right to marry.  Tolerate it.

I killed bin Laden and I’m fighting for equal rights. What have you been up to?

Personhood in the Sack

Posted: May 5, 2012 in Abortion
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I applaud the various states that currently have ballot initiatives to define “personhood” as beginning at the moment of conception.  This redefinition will give a fertilized egg, even an un-implanted one, human rights that you and I take for granted.  It will finally make the demonic practice of abortion illegal, as well as outlaw numerous forms of female promiscuity pills.

However, I am disappointed the initiatives did not recognize the golden opportunity to protect all life with this redefinition.   The origin of human life rests within every man, well before he performs the disgusting act of intercourse into a woman’s dirty part.  His seed, when wasted, is like spitting in the face of the Almighty.

Conservatives cry on behalf of the millions of aborted fetuses in this country, but where are the tears for the genocide that is occurring every second in immoral households all across this nation?  When a man ejaculates from masturbation or sodomy, he is murdering hundreds of millions of babies.  Where is their advocate?  Where is their voice?  Why should we do nothing and allow unholy men to idly stand by and watch half a billion humans slowly die on a Kleenex, in a sock, or humiliatingly on the lingerie section of a Macy’s ad?

Kudos to these brave legislators for trying to protect zygotes, but until you recognize that life begins within a man’s scrotum, you might as well be decapitating toddlers.

A microscopic Auschwitz.

The Abominable Leviticus

Posted: May 5, 2012 in Homosexuality
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Sex columnist, Dan Savage recently entered an irrational controversy surrounding his attempt to increase acceptance of homosexuality.  Did he recommend adolescent males in the audience to suck on their friend’s penis just to see how it feels?  The way conservative commentators have been reacting to his speech, you’d think Savage was forcing fellatio on youngsters.  No, he simply pointed out the fact that homophobia is largely (if not entirely) justified by biblical scripture, mainly passages in Leviticus, Timothy, and Romans.

Savage went on to explain that eliminating hostility toward gay and lesbian individuals could easily be accomplished because most people already dismiss “bullshit” passages in the bible, such as an acceptance of slavery and a prohibition on eating shellfish.  And if we are able to dismiss some of the archaic and barbaric laws in the bible, why can’t we do the same with passages that call two men spooning an ‘abomination?’

This is a legitimate question.  But instead of answering the question, people with masturbation guilt attacked Savage for using profanity in his speech and criticizing religion.

But if you put down your pitchfork and torch for one second and listen to his speech again, Savage did not criticize religion.  He was not being blasphemous or sacrilegious.  He did not say that Moses was a psychotic sociopath and then proceed to ejaculate on the bible.  All Savage pointed out is what Christians are already doing: choosing what parts of the bible they want to follow literally and what parts they want to dismiss completely.  And there’s no logic behind the choosing.

That’s not criticizing religion; that’s criticizing the religious.

So to get back to Savage’s point, why can’t we dismiss the parts in the bible that frown upon same-sex sexual relations?  Everyone in that audience was ignoring parts of the bible they felt were outdated.  I’m sure audience members had tattoos, wore mixed-fabric clothing, shaved facial hair, ate bacon, valued materialism, judged others, or treated others poorly.  So unless the audience was full of Orthodox Jews who volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, Savage was calling out the audience for breaking biblical laws that were inconvenient for their modern lifestyle, but upholding the anti-gay verses.

Don’t get your temple garments in a bunch over Savage’s use of the words, “bullshit” and “pansy-assed.”  You are ignoring the cognitive dissonance that most believers experience, which has the unfortunate consequence of inciting gay bullying, harassment, and violence.  Just like you ignore passages that speak of the “unclean” nature of a menstruating woman, you can ignore or restructure the context and meaning of three little passages that speak of homosexuality.  Don’t be a pansy; lives are literally depending on it.

 

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