Chocolates, roses, teddy bears – all of the things that sustain relationships and plump up genitals if purchased just once a year toward the end of our seasonal affective disorder cycle. Yes, Valentine’s Day: the holiday for couples looking for a little romance. And by romance I mean a heart-shaped pizza followed by guilt-free anilingus.
But I will not disparage the festivities couples are embracing. Celebrate however you desire. But in the spirit of inclusivity that is the basis of this website, I felt compelled to offer an alternative celebration for singles who may only be one Kay Jewelers sponsored ad away from projectile vomiting all over their Facebook news feed.
Sure, there are the easy and common alternatives like simply ignoring the day, or partaking in an anti-Valentine’s Day party with your single friends. And there’s also the common act of cupid terrorism where you go to a fancy restaurant by yourself and cry at the table asking, “Why not me?!” just to make other diners uncomfortable.
But how about being a little more indulgent and a little more sexual? Why not show those romantic comedies there can be much more gyrating and much less g-rating? This Valentine’s, celebrate with your own little valentine that rarely disappoints and is always willing to give and receive your love: your sexual body.
However, this will not be an ordinary masturbatory session. Nor will this will be the Olympics of orgasms where the focus is necessarily on frequency of pelvic contractions or how many times you ejaculate into a tube sock. Instead, challenge yourself to become a little more uninhibited. Challenge yourself to own and accept your sexuality and your body a little more. Challenge yourself to incorporate your sexuality and your body into your living space.
Let the Valentine’s challenges begin.
The first challenge is to get naked. It can take long-term psychotherapy to overcome severe body image inhibitions, so I recognize a paragraph is not going to do justice, but do understand that when all of the concerns about fat distribution, muscle strength, hair growth, and skin quality are shelved, you are simply naked starting to masturbate. Objectively, that is sexy. And more importantly, regardless of your concerns about perceived flaws, your body is capable of receiving pleasure. It doesn’t matter if your BMI is 33 or 23, or if you can bench press 350 pounds or 50, your body just wants to start getting its sex on.
Once nude and your fingertips burning for some hot genital action, look around at your surroundings. Vary the location of where you masturbate. Do you typically vibrate your clitoris only in bed? Why not try spreading yourself out on the living room floor? Do you only jerk off in the shower? How about giving yourself a tug on the loveseat instead? Sexing doesn’t have to be contained to designated rooms or specific pieces of furniture.
Hump the ottoman. Wank on the desk. Stick the suction dildo on the fridge. Sexualize everything in your home. Become a perverted IKEA showroom.
And while you’re grinding away on the arm of your sofa, you could also incorporate some new sexual fantasies like thinking about tonguing the orifices of new people you may be shy around (yeah, you know that new coworker is sexy) or thinking about new behaviors you may be too embarrassed to try (yes, those ball gags do look tasty).
You could also have sexy fantasies about the holiday’s legendary origins involving the beheading of a third-century Roman priest. Too much? Probably for most people, but fantasies do not necessarily predict behavior, and if you’re not at risk for acting out deviant fantasies, feel free to explore your dark side. What is generated in your perverse and macabre brain can certainly stay in your brain.
So you’re thrusting on your coffee table, conjuring up some compromising images of Darryl from accounting, and things are getting hot. So now what? Masturbation does not have to include orgasms for it to feel good (what has been described so far seems delightful, right?), but for those that desire it, don’t be afraid to be loud or make a mess. Moan without worrying who hears. Contort your face and curl your toes without fear of judgment. If you feel the urge to pee or fart, it won’t be the end of the world to just pee or fart. It’s okay. Target sells spot and stain remover just for these occasions.
If you ejaculate (for any gender) don’t worry about trying to contain it with strategically-placed tissues and towels. You can always clean up and disinfect later. In fact, try intentionally spraying down a wall or making a snail trail along the floor. Mark your territory. Become the queen or king of your castle.
Own yourself. Own your space.
And when someone comes over a few days later and says, “Jesus, it smells like someone had dirty sex in here!”
You can say, “That’s right, I did. I sexed myself on Valentine’s Day. And it was fucking fabulous.”